So, we wait.

39 weeks. Is it possible we have been waiting on this girl for 39 weeks?! It seems like a lifetime, but a flash too. We had a little practice run a few weeks ago. I started having contractions at 36 weeks and had all the signs of labor. I was dilated to a 2, so we went. I get nervous about laboring at home for too long. I had a very fast delivery with my third baby, so to be cautious, we just go to the hospital to labor, to ensure we make it in time.

We arrived in the morning some time, maybe around 10:00 or 11:00. April and I walked, Jaime and I walked. We walked and walked, nearly 6 miles in circles around the L&D floor. After about 5 hours of that, I was still a 2, contractions had stopped and we were sent home. It was discouraging. April and Jarrett were so ready, and River even made a quick appearance. Everyone was ready for a baby. So since then we have been on high alert. Bags are packed, every call is answered with “I’m not in labor”, and we wait.

This girl has got us all just buzzing around, imagining the scenarios when it’s really time, wishing it was today/tonight/right now. But she is happily sitting in there, fattening up and just relaxing. I am feeling good, just getting big and slowing down some. I don’t sleep really well between the aches and the trips to potty, but thankfully the hormones have allowed me to power through that, plus I am taking full advantage of having babies that still nap every day, so I am resting when they do and letting my sweet husband handle everything on the other side of 5pm.

April and I text every day. I think about their longing and I just wish so badly that she was here. I am longing to see that moment; you know the one. I am so ready to watch this story unfold. My doula and I were chatting yesterday and she reminded me that we are all going to be a blubbering mess when that all happens; but what an exciting thing to get to be a part of!

We had some photos taken a few weeks ago (the day before the false alarm) and they are so sweet it makes my heart ache. The gift of this match has been amazing. This family has forever changed me, so if waiting is what I need to do, then I will do it. I may not like it (I tend to be impatient), but I will do it because it is part of the gig.

 

 

The Call

It’s been a couple of weeks now since we had our little false alarm. Although we all had our minds set that she was on her way, Remi just wasn’t finished baking.

So now we wait, and wait and wait….Jarrett and I have both been having the same feelings lately, wondering if this was just all a dream. Is this really happening? Are we really about to have a baby? It’s not a sad or upsetting thing, it just sometimes feels like we’ve been dreaming this entire time.

Right now, we stay close to home, we don’t really leave each other too much and we drive my car everywhere that is packed with all of our hospital bags and car seats. We get several texts a day asking if baby is here yet.

We now wait for “the call” from Sara. The call we have been wanting for a couple of years now. I tear up every time I think about this call, because I think of all of the joy that will soon follow. I think about how I can’t wait to call our parents and give them the news they have been waiting for. I feel like for the past few years, when we give our parents a late night call, it’s never to tell them joyful news, but yet the exact opposite. I think about the night Jarrett had to make the hardest call to our parents to tell them we had lost Ruby. Although, at that point I was going through the physical pain, I can’t imagine the pain J was feeling while making the calls to our parents.

Now here we are over a year later waiting to receive “the call” that we’ve all been wanting. Baby Remi, you will be here soon.

Love,

Mama (April)

Hitting a stride.

We are well in to the third trimester, baby is growing well (even a little ahead of schedule) and I am feeling good! We got some amazing pictures of her sweet face in a sonogram, and I have finally been able to capture her acrobatics on video for April and Jarrett to see. River is fully vested in having a sister, and has even made a few jokes about Miss Sara’s belly. Now we wait.

Isn’t that always the worst part of any good thing? The waiting.

In the mean time there is much to be done. April and Jarrett are nesting away. The nursery is prepped, the showers are on the calendar and the fun part of preparing for a new baby is underway. It’s been sort of nice, since I am so big, and getting to the stage where I need to slow down, it’s nice to not be prepping. It’s funny how God puts all the right things in all the right places. April is nesting, and even a little hormonal. She is very emotional and tears up often. Its sweet, except she makes me cry every time. Jarrett is in prep mode too, getting into the mindset of new baby and fathering a girl. Jaime and I are just over here plotting sushi and cocktails after delivery!

We are all in the right place, mentally and emotional. The Lord has prepared the hearts of everyone for what will be our roles in this story’s conclusion. Even Dr. Spooner is getting excited, and determined to see this through. So, back to the waiting. We are all just waiting on you, Remi. Take your time, but hurry up. We all can’t wait to kiss your nose and love you up.

 

Exit strategy

It just recently occurred to me that I am going to have to get this baby out. I know that sounds silly, but seriously, I didn’t even think about that (i mean really think about it) nail very recently. Flash back to my previous deliveries. I have run the gamut. I have had 4 very different births that were each their own story, so different from the one before, never predictable and often painful.

What was I thinking???

I kid. I am not fearful, and I have no regrets about this journey, but I am going to have to get her out. It won’t be easy, I probably won’t look too pretty, and let’s be real, if you know anything about childbirth, you know there can be words. I’m not saying it’s bad, but here are words. Then I started thinking about April and Jarrett, innocently waiting in the room to see their sweet baby. They have never experiences natural childbirth, so I don’t want to freak them out, but I can’t make any promises about what will come out of my mouth. There will be groans and grunts, and these sweet people are just going to have to hold on for the ride.

That said, I can’t wait for that day. On this side of things that is what I am daydreaming about. The image of them, holding a baby, looking down at her sweet face and I get to share in that moment. I just can’t wait. Bring on the pain, bring on the groans. I am ready to see the faces of these deserving parents as they fall in love with their new baby.

 

 

A little Rainbow

I love the expression “rainbow” baby. It’s used to describe the baby that comes after loss. It is a sweet way of reminding us there even in the worst storm, there is a bright spot, a rainbow. This baby is a rainbow baby. her name is Remi Rain, and she has been a bright spot to this sweet family since the day she came to be.

I think the sweetest part of the expression for me, is that it reminds me of God’s promise to Noah. After a long and weary journey, after faith to endure what I can only imagine was a scary and stressful experience to say the least, God still had the forethought to stop, see his people and remember that he needed to give them something to move forward with. As humans, I think we all need a little something to grow on, a little hope, or a bright spot. God promised Noah he would never flood the earth again. To remind of us his faithfulness he put a rainbow in the sky.

Here I sit with this rainbow in a womb, and I remember that promise. God doesn’t say it will be easy, he doesn’t promise there will never be a storm, but he is faithful and he gives us rainbows to help us move forward from the storm, embrace the hope of the good and to remember that he sees us, he knows us and he loves us.

I can’t imagine God giving a gift like Remi to anyone he didn’t love.

Things people say…

It took a few weeks to figure what to say. I am showing now so people want to ask, “when is your baby due?” “is this your first?”, or if I’m with my kids they count and then say, “wow! number five?!”. If I don’t know them, I just answer and move on. It’s easier that way. But we are a part of a large church community our kids school community and our town isn’t all that big. I am going to see these people again, and I want to disclose now, so that when April comes, no one will wonder what I did with my baby.

So, I have been working out the wording. It’s impossible to tell people without it leading to a whole conversation. You can’t just drop that info and not have people react. It has mostly been positive. Some people think I am crazy, but most think it is sweet and exciting. They always have questions. How do you know the parents? Will you be able to give her up? What made you decide to do this? It’s a pretty regular bag of inquiry and I just give my canned response. It usually starts with, “This is not our baby, I am carrying her for another family”…pause…weird looks….surprise…..questions.

Some of the more entertaining responses have come from those of an older generation. Based on a few conversations I am gathering that many people of a certain age are unclear on the logistics of how that baby got in there. I have sense learned the “surrogate” is a term used to refer to a woman that provides egg and womb for a baby, and what I am doing is actually called “gestational carrier” (now that’s a mouthful). I think there is a misconception that getting pregnant with someone else’s baby might have required relations and for that reason they are disapproving. I have had the opportunity to share the MEDICAL process that we went through to get this baby where she is today, and that seems to have allowed for some eased concerns. Still funny.

So, mostly it’s fun to explain to people that she isn’t ours, that she is a gift for someone else. It’s well received with surprise and excitement, and over and over I hear what a blessing it is. What they don’t know, is that I’m the one getting blessed.

Thank you General Mills

The nausea is so intense. I can’t explain it. I don’t ACTUALLY vomit, I just spend 3-4 months feeling like I need to, wishing I could and avoiding any visuals, smells or even talk about food. This baby has eaten a ton of cereal. I have had cereal for nearly every meal over the last few weeks, and have substituted fruit when possible.

The good news is I prefer healthy cereals, things with less sugar and even bran in them. The bad news is that my sweet family has had to fend for themselves along the way. They are pretty tired of corn dogs and sandwiches.

I’m looking forward to eating again, and to not feeling like this; but it’s totally worth it. I have had the same symptoms with every pregnancy, and yet I have done it again and again. It’s not so bad that I am not willing to face it for the reward at the end of the journey, however there are always times when I question how I got here again and wonder how I forgot how awful it is to feel so awful. It’s only 12 weeks, right? I can do this. I can take it.

It helps that April sends me updates every Thursday to remind me of why I’m doing this. It includes a little photo of what fruit or vegetable the baby is compared to in size and she punctuates it with some sweet little exclamation about how excited they are. It makes it all worth it.

First letter to babe.

Baby Girl,

Hello! My name is Sara and though I am not your mama, I promise you that I am planning to take care of you as if you were my own. I am a surrogate, so my role is to provide you with a safe place to grow and develop. Your

Mama and Daddy are April and Jarrett, and let me tell you about the jackpot you have hit with those two. They are two loving and kind people with hearts big enough to hold all the love you will ever need for your whole life.

They have had a hard path to walk to get to you. You have 2 sisters in heaven that they had to say goodbye to before they got the chance to love them up. They walked a path I pray you will never know; saying goodbye to your babies. They think about your sisters every day, and they feel the ache of longing to hold them. But, in all that sadness and hurt, came a rainbow to brighten that darkest skies. It was you.

I want you to know that you were prayed for, even before I knew your parents, even before they knew your name, you were prayed for. I believe that God promised you for them, that you were set apart to be theirs. I know that God has fulfilled that promised by bringing us all together so that you and I could do a great thing. I am filled with honor and joy at the thought of carrying you for them I am over the moon when I think of the day I will get to see them holding you, filled with happiness for the prayers that have been answered.

You should know that in the time we spend together, I will likely eat weird things, and honestly, there may be days that you don’t get much to eat at all. I promise I am still working hard to be sure you are cared for, and I will power through all of that so we can get to the sweet spot. When the weeks have passed, and you are growing strong and big, I will start to feel your movements, and so will your parents. They will giggle with joy and be so thrilled to see the outward sign of your well-being. It will be so fun for us to see and hear. If I had to guess, I would say your daddy will be mushy and your mama will cry.

When your birthday comes, go easy on me, ok? I promise if we work together to get you here smoothly I am going to hand you off to two people who are going to make it their life’s mission to make sure you are safe and loved forever. In the mean time, lets keep enjoying those chocolate chip cookies your grandmother and aunties sent! It’s going to be an amazing ride, and I am so excited we get to do this together.

I will be praying about you every day and night, and so will lots of other folks. You have gained quite a cheering section, so lets get to work, and I’ll see you in about 7 months.

Love, Sara

Mama’s side of the story

This morning Jarrett and I woke up giddy, anxious, nervous and terrified. Today we find out how many of our embryos decided to stick with Sara to grow and form into beautiful girls. In our hearts we would love just one healthy baby; that is why we started this journey, but knowing that we transferred 2 embryos the thought of having twin girls is that much more intriguing. What a blessing to have two!! The idea of it sounds fun & hard, but challenging, which I love.

As we meet Sara at the doctors office, we are all smiling so exciting and ready to get some results, see the baby(ies), so this can all begin to feel REAL!

We all get in the room and we begin. As the Sono tech is scanning she finds one sac with a fluttering heart beat, the most amazing thing I’ve seen in a long time. Just to see a heart beat on the screen made me tear up because it brought me back to the night of the last time I saw Ruby on the sonogram with no movement, no heart beat. I’ve dreamed of the day I would once again see that beautiful movement of a heartbeat.

We all cheered with excitement, but still anxious to see if there was more. As she continued to scan, her voice changed and she stopped and said, “okay, this is where it gets a little tricky, so let me explain…”

My heart dropped because I knew something wasn’t right. Their was another baby in her own little sac; healthy, a fluttering heart beat and growing just as big as the other, but she was in the wrong spot. This embryo had migrated it’s way back over to the left fallopian tube. She had been growing perfectly with her sister, just in the wrong area. I remember the room was quiet and it was like you could feel everyone thinking of a million questions in their head. We were all trying to be excited, but worried and curious what this meant. Finally Jarrett asked the question we were all wondering…. “so, what does this mean? Can we move her back into the uterus?” Stacy  paused and said, “unfortunately no, and Ku will further instruct us on the options moving forward.” All I remember while this was all going on, was Sara on the exam table holding my hand tightly and repeating “we have one healthy baby, this is what we asked for”. Tears continued to roll down my face, thinking to myself, what does this mean, what is Sara going to have to go through, is this going to affect both babies trying to remove the one??

We had one of the nurses take our picture in front of the sono screen, smiling, but crying and still terrified of what was to come.

The three of us were moved to a tiny office to wait for Dr. Ku to get out of surgery so that we could discuss our options. We all sat down and tried to pep talk our selves; trying to remember why we stared this journey in the first place. Still the only thing I could think of was I’m losing another perfectly good and healthy daughter. We waited and waited talking about anything other than what was happening at the moment. Finally, Tammy came in to talk to us giving us a little more information on what was going on and Dr. Ku followed for a further explanation.

He said yay, we have one, and we also have another that’s going to have to be removed. Sara was going to have to go into emergency surgery that night to remove her left tube and the baby. I just cried and apologized to her. Jarrett and I were both upset and thinking the same thing, that this is never what we wanted. We never wanted to jeopardize Sara and her health. Sara the entire time was so composed and never wanted us to see that she was terrified and upset. It all happened so quickly and the next thing we knew Sara was signing consent forms to go in for surgery. Dr. Ku of course had to explain to us that there were risks involved with the healthy baby that would be staying in the uterus. With Sara being put under anesthesia, it could be too hard on such a young baby and they would be working right along side of the uterus.

At this point we were first concerned about Sara and her health, secondly worried to disturb and possibly lose the healthy baby and third still devastated about losing the one baby that was perfectly healthy. What a roller coaster of emotions. We soon all went our separate ways; Sara had to go get blood work done, go home and get Jaime, kiss her babies and head out the door for surgery. Jarrett and I still in a fog of so many different emotions racing through our minds, went to get a burger we knew we couldn’t eat. We drove home talking about everything, reminding ourselves that we are so lucky that we have one healthy baby and that some people go through all of this to find out they have none. Still remembering one thing that stuck out to me what Sara said, “we still have SEVEN more healthy embryos.” Starting to realize that this is Gods path for us and he wanted us to remember why we stared this journey.

In my mind I still couldn’t get excited about the ONE, because I just kept thinking of the risk of losing her in surgery. I couldn’t bare to get too attached again and be let down AGAIN. Jarrett and I finally calmed ourselves down and we were able to process it all. We said we could breathe after surgery is over, knowing Sara is healthy and the sono shows that their is still a strong heart beat. I went to the hospital to meet Sara and Jaime, while Jarrett stayed home with River. I was so nervous, but trying not to show it. Jaime and Sara were being so strong and calm, which helped me to be calm. Sara went in for surgery and Jaime and I sat in the waiting room talking and getting to know one another. Drinking coffee and trying to be patient while time passed by.

When he was done, Dr. Ku came and found us and showed us some pretty interesting pictures he had taken of Sara’s insides. Ku explained that Sara’s left tube had ruptured between the time of our appointment and driving to the hospital. It’s amazing how the timing of it all worked out. Surgery went great, Sara has only her right tube now and scan of baby showed that we have a strong heart beat. We were so thrilled it had all worked out and now to enjoy we are pregnant with ONE HEALTHY BABY GIRL!!

Baby Mama

April

What if there’s two?!

I knew going in to this match there April and Jarrett might want to transfer two. Actually, I think I suggested it (gulp). After the hell that was endured to get the eggs and then the process to make them babies, I was not shocked with April told me they wanted to transfer two girls (on Tuesday! ;)). So, here I sit, an hour from knowing if May and June are both still there. I am so nervous, but not for the reasons I expected. I thought I would be a little freaked out about carrying two. I thought I would be most scared about delivering two, because I really would like to VBAC, and that seems hard. But honestly, right now, I am most sacred of there NOT being two. I pray so hard that these babies will thrive, that my body can do what it needs to to make it possible. Right now, I am most scared by the thought of only one little bleep on that screen. I know April and Jarrett will be so happy for one. I know they will celebrate, no matter how many we have. Is it selfish that I want there to be two? I just so badly want to know that they both made it, that they are both safe, and that God is fulfilling His promise in a way I can understand.

Isn’t it funny what scares us? I am amazed that my heart and mind can put aside the concerns I expected to have about all of this. I am thankful that the Lord can quiet my fears about all of that, and I am so grateful that my heart can be fully focused on this desire to carry two, to give them two. How did I make this shift? When did I get here?

I think it happened about 2 paragraphs ago, when I wasn’t even looking.